The Awkward Hookup

I don't know if it is the guys I pick, the situation, the weird things that occur, or if it is just me, but I have the most awkward hookups that I have ever heard of.  It starts with the random proposal to "do it" , the actual deed, and of course the dreaded walk of shame.  I express my suggestion to not try these at home.... because lets be honest, only I can get away with these.  

There are many different ways I have been asked to do it... some have been creative... like "you wanna teach me how to dougie" and others have been less than creative.  Either way if I want to do it... the way it is presented is not going to matter.  The best way I was asked to hook up (which he did not get it) was "Hey you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen... wanna come to my ring dunk"  (awkwardly I did actually go to his ring dunk but that is a different story) anyways... if you can smooth talk and have charm and personality... your chances of success improve dramatically.  I will warn if you piss on a girls floor and then try to have sex with her .... you will get turned down.  (if she is smart.  this has happened)

The deed itsself can be awkward as hell too.  Like when a fraternity brother walks in and gives him a high five... or if the guy is taking the hook up way too seriously.  Or if the guy calls you the wrong name.... that kind of stuff can kill the mood and leave me pissed off.  This actually has happened which led me to tell the guy 50 things I hated about him and why I would not date him.... oddly he still calls.  

It is even more awkward when the guy sucks or lasts 2 minutes.  My ex and I waited 7.5 years to have sex.  Weird because I was not a virgin and it is still debatable if he was or wasn't.  I think I had it in my mind that it was going to be magical or something.  But no the past year I have had terrible sex that has last 2 freaking minutes.  The first time I honestly had no idea what to say or do afterwards.... I had hooked up before but idk it was just awkward.  So i gave him a high five and said "yay team"  (logical I know.) 

The walk of shame can also be awkward... even if you didn't even hook up with the guy.  Karma can kick you in the ass and you could step out on stickers and have them attached to your feet for a week, the guy could be like ew that sex fucking sucked (never has happened in my case) and never call again, or you could be seen leaving the seen in a pair of your own chubbies and carrying a Franzia box back to your car.  (That morning a slapped the bag in my car before going home because it was so awkward.)

Anyways chubsters, keep your sexcapades interesting.... they make for better stories.

ChubbiesChaser  

Chasing Chubbies

Last night I was up thinking, intoxicated, and I realized that my addiction to chasing chubbies on males is an addiction of mine.  I am not entirely sure is it is healthy or not, but I will assume so because I have never heard of a rehab or. A 12 step program for an obsession of sexy man thighs.  Anyways I decided to reveal some of the best looking chubsters out there in chubsternation.  Proceed with caution my addiction my wear off on you.  

                                      

If you love chubbies

Make this pledge : 

I pledge allegance 
To chubbies 
Who make the raddest shorts in 'merica 

In a Relationship with Franzia

So everyone probably seeing this follows me on Twitter, so you already know that I have a complicated love life.  The point of this post is not to cry about my exes or what they did they did to me, nor is it intended to bash any of them.  I also do not intend for you to learn anything what so ever from my post because you are all adults and have a working brain, so do what you want. Live life.  I partially do not have a relationship because I am in love with myself and a box a Franzia. (Yes I always have a stash located in my room.) 

My box of Franzia and I have gone through a lot of ups and downs throughout our time together.  It has made me laugh, cry, make friends, make enemies, and even sent me to the hospital. (maybe more than once.)  I would like to reflect on the good times that we have had together:

One of my fondest memories that I would like to reflect on is my first ever Franzia encounter, at Chilifest.  It was a muddy year, and Pat green was playing in the background. Believe it or not I was not a big drinker my freshman year of college.  Anyways, My ex was trying to get my intoxicated (sketchy I know but this post is not about him). Needless to say I slapped the bag one too many times and I blacked out.  Apparently I made out on a giant freezer, broke my hair dryer, and lost a sperry.  Go figure.  

Anyways if you aren't drinking Franzia, you are doing it wrong.  Even my 85 year old  great-grandmother could probably out drink you off Franzia.  So buy a box and toast to your favorite anon Chubbies Chaser.  

#TEAM FRANZIA